Lunacy, Thy Name is Corporate America

 

Lunacy, Thy Name is Corporate America

Published in Marietta Daily Journal (GA) April 29, 2023

How odd that corporations, whose chief purpose has historically been to gain more customers in order to make more money, have turned their attention to social goals.  They’re telling employees and customers what they should believe about every social issue of the day.  As though Big Brother weren’t increasing his tyranny daily, primarily via his unelected, regulation-loving bureaucrats, Corporate America has become his lackey. Examples abound.

            Transgenderism? Embrace it, you lowly, unenlightened customers who have made us the big corporations we are today. Forget biology. Male and female is an ancient social construct that has outlived its usefulness. If you shop in our stores you may use the bathroom of your choice. If you’re what we formerly called a male and wish to be considered what we formerly called a female, assert yourself and go apply to play on any sports team that tickles your fancy. Throw off the idea that there are innate physical differences between so-called males and females. Don’t let today’s conservative bigots deny you your happiness. Big Sports will support you all the way, as will most members of the National Chamber of Commerce, though not necessarily your local chapter. Don’t worry about those Republicans. We detached from them sometime back. They talk too much about local control and Mom and Pop businesses.       

            Equity? Embrace it also. The goal at our corporations is to treat all people fairly. Yes, we want your business, but for you and all the other middle class folks who have made us great we desire equal social outcomes. Join us as we attempt to make America equitable again. One of our goals is equal numbers of Blacks, Whites, Hispanics, Asians, and Others among our employees.

            The LGBTQ Lobby? Look, we love all the children of the world. “Red and Yellow, Black and White, they are precious in our sight.” Remember this ditty from long ago? Well, we apply it to sexuality and marriage. We need to drop the time-worn belief that men shouldn’t marry men and women shouldn’t marry women. Accept the fact that all of those traditional views of human sexuality are so yesterday. We’ve accepted the modern view. With glee.

            Free speech? Ok, we believe in free speech, but anything can be carried too far. Consider the deserved plight of Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson. This guy was rightly fired for disinformation, misinformation, and whatever else it’s being called. Right after his last show he gave a speech to the Heritage Foundation and made references to prayer, knowing quite well that there are many people in America who don’t believe in prayer. Carlson, the creator of the most watched cable news show ever, is a bigot through and through as are the millions who watched him. We know that many of our customers love Carlson, but we still believe that he “does not appeal to our better nature,” if we may use one of our tired liberal lines.

            Higher Ed?  Yes, we corporates have given our fair share to our universities. How could we not? After all, they have been faithful, just as corporations have to be, in promoting and protecting their “brands.”  Universities are smart. They understand that to recruit students they must spark things up a bit with palatial buildings and resort-facility dorms. Gotta hand it to conservative state legislators, though. They’re right when they claim that universities spend too much money on branding and too little on educating their students. However, just as we like for customers to stay with us, so do universities like for students to stay with them for five, sometimes even six years, to finish a four-year degree. But hey, we corporates need higher ed just as we need the media.

            Oh yeah, the media? Look, we own the media, and in more ways than one. I mean, you’ve heard of Disney’s ABC News Network? That’s a corporation. Fox News? That’s the world wide Fox Corporation. Oh, there are smaller networks but we rule the roost when it comes to news and entertainment, Mr. Carlson notwithstanding.

            Our sincerity? Well, the wokest of us all, CVS, has put it best in its “Guidelines for Supporting a Colleague who is Transitioning.” CVS is out there ahead of all of us. I know, seems weird that a place where you get your medicine would lecture employees about “proper pronouns,” but their customers either don’t know of their wokeness or don’t care.

At any rate, join us in changing America. She’s merely one of many nations in which we do business, but we need her still.